I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
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Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!