{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
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You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.