Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
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ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I am, perchance
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me, reading some of your tweets
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.