angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
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I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN