Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
You Might Also Like
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no