Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
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Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Me [giving spelling test]: infiniteâŚInfinite… I have an âinfiniteâ amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: thatâs impossible
Me: I assure you, itâs not
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Venn
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
thatâs great, any hobbies?
I donât understand the question
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so Iâm about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Hi everyone,
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My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her âI HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!â
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, âYour Uber driver has arrived!â gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friendâs house
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighborâs wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.