actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
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TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little