“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
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the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.