I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again