isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Roses are red
Violets are blue
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.