some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
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to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.