“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules