getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
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My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”