lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
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[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.