Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
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Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*