So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.