[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is