Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
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Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
These are my roll models.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
seems fine
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.