Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”