Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!