ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
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“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.