Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Not all heroes wear capes….
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.