Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Monica just destroyed the internet
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
first you must answer his riddles
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
🐕🍷
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.