can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
A classic…
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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