I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
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You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Breaking news:
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
🤣🤣💀
oh good, now I can stop drinking
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Made something I’m not proud of