It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism