December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last