Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
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Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
You had me at “define legal”.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Best seat on the street 😍
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers