Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.