When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
my proudest tweet
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
me 2 months after i graduated
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still