As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
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I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???