director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
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‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
asked my bf how work was today
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”