I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
*updates tinder bio*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Who needs an Air Fryer?