At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
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“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?