as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Just ordered me some pizza!
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
i choose….tongue
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor