If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
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I just tested negative for patience.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
let’s discuss
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.