*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Strangers have the best candy.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.