america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
You Might Also Like
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.