With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
#StillHurts
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Make your daily standup meeting shorter