i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
another case of gang violins
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…