Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Single and childfree like Jesus
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I never needed anything more in my life