This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
When a shoelace touches your ankle
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?