Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
You Might Also Like
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.