If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou