How dude HOW?!
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Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.