[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit