I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Reporter: *ports again*
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Left at a local drug store…
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.