Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?