Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
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Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
It was worth a shot 😂
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.