100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
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Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them